Matzogate ‘08 — An Unleavened Conspiracy

What I am about to discuss regards a conspiracy, I am so sure, of the highest order. Egypt, ironically, isn’t the only place where the citizenry is inclined to riot over the lack of bread. That what I’m about to discuss deals with the unleavened variety makes it that much more important.

Read on.

My sweetie — you know her as The Film Babe — doesn’t panic in emergency situations. She is stalwart. So when, in a palpable tizzy, she called while out running errands last Saturday afternoon, it was obvious there was an exigency of consequence at hand.

There were but a few hours left before sundown, when Passover commenced. She was gathering the last necessary items for the Seder. Normally unflappable, she was beside herself.

“There’s no matzo to be had in this town.”

“What? This is a joke, right? Come on . . .

“You heard me. No matzo. I’ve been to Whole Foods. I’ve been to several Krogers. I’m on my way to the one at Holiday Manor to try there. Would you run up to Valu Market and see if they have some?”

“I doubt that they . . . “

“Just drive up there, will you, please!!!!!”

You can guess the rest of this part of the story. She found none. Valu Market only had those little matzo crackers that are kosher for Passover. (Passover matzo is different from that available the rest of the year. That to be consumed on this most sacred contemplation of the faith requires separate and unique Rabbinical imprimatur.)

Our friend Phyllis saved the day. Being the responsible sort, she had obtained more than the requisite number of boxes of matzo well in advance of the shortage. The good stuff too — Yehuda Matzos. Baked in Jerusalem, they are, then imported by some guys in Jersey, well connected I’m sure.

“Thank you, Phyllis, you’re a life saver.” Ours wasn’t her first SOS.

Which begs the issue. Why this shortage? Why this year? Conspiracy? Or simply bad planning by local grocers catering to the Jewish community?

I mean our town has MayorForLife Jerry Abramson. He is of the Jewish persuasion.

And our burg has Congressman John Yarmuth, another Hebrew.

How can this be?

The guy at Krogers opined that it was the Pope’s fault. Or because of the papal visit anyway. I trust he was kidding. He advised they had ordered more than usual this year, selling out. Obviously.

Could it have been the Pope’s visit to that tony synagogue in New York that made this unleavened bread more valuable than gold bullion or premium gasoline?

Sigh. The mystery remains . . . well . . . just that.

Form a investigatory committee. Hire a Matzo Czar. The truth must out.

Meanwhile, until we get to the bottom of Matzogate ‘08, until all the sordid details of this nefarious plot are fully evident, the Film Babe and I are savoring our one box of matzo, bite by bite.

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